I've been thinking a lot about death recently. Not in an I-want-to-kill-myself sort of way, and not even in a oh-shit-I'm-gonna-die line of thought. Just simply thinking about death and dying; maybe it has something to do with the fact that we had a weeklong course on death and dying, I went to a funeral over the break, and then we came back to school and started cutting up dead people.
On top of all that, today was the fifth time in my life that I looked at someone and realized that I was very likely never going to see them again. Without a see you next week or catch you later, just a flat out goodbye.
I feel like all of us operate under the assumption that we will see you later. Our culture is one that constantly denies death, and it's probably adaptive. We're kept going by not recognizing it fully, and I know I can't operate if I don't assume that I'm going to at least live through the next few weeks.
Thinking about death, however, makes me question these assumptions. I find myself getting pushed closer to the present, and valuing my interactions with others a little bit more. I question whether medical school is worth it. I don't really make plans for anything more than three months ahead.
Yesterday, I got a weird look when I told a close friend I'd be okay with things if I was dead by 35. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be happy about it, but at the same time, I figure that I shouldn't save too much for "when I get old." Stuff on the bucket list needs to be done, I need to live life the way I want it now, and honest things need to be said to other people relatively soon-- and not saved for an eulogy.
I don't feel sad, but I feel strangely old.
